Girls’ guide to surviving the hockey season

Ladies, I know some of you are as crazy about hockey as your significant others, if not more so. But if you’re like me, the sound of those skates on the ice is like nails on a chalkboard.

If you’re part of this sisterhood of women attached to men who, in late September, turn into jersey-wearing, beer-chugging, hockey-obsessed bros with the onset of the NHL hockey season, and don’t feel that same passion yourself, we’re here to help.

We’ve compiled a list of tips, tricks and facts to get you through this painful time.

You’re welcome.

1. Do not, under any circumstances, talk about last season’s playoffs.

My partner reminds me of why fan is derived from the word fanatic.

He broke down last year after the ‘Buds’ lost to the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of the first round of the playoffs in a game where they were up 4-1 in the third period.

I’m talking full-on, lying-on-the-ground, face-down moping. I had the same reaction to the end of the Harry Potter books, so I sympathize.

Regardless, I’d avoid any jokes about “choking” or asking questions like, “When was the last time they actually won the Stanley Cup?” They likely won’t remember anyway. (Zing!)

2. Venturing into the belly of the beast: The ACC

Some like to take their support for their partner’s team to a next level and actually go to a game. Power to you.

We advise anyone going to the Air Canada Centre to eat beforehand. Poutine might be calling your name, but don’t cave in unless you are looking to stock up on empty calories while your partner guzzles beer and fights off feisty fans with finger-licking-good and greasy chicken wings.

Basically the healthiest thing you can buy is the water. And even then you’re shelling out $5 for something you could get out of the bathroom taps at between periods.

Once the game ends, prepare for the subway swarm. The construction at Union Station provides the best platform for meeting unknown drunken strangers that are most likely going to be extremely irritable when the Leafs end up losing the game.

Funnelling through Union Station with crowds of unknown and inebriated strangers could be fun if you like being stuck inside a sardine can.

The highlight is the unpredictable sights you see sleeping on the subway. It’s a three-dollar hotel for some.

3. Finally, don’t cancel the cable. I tried this, thinking that it would mean I would never have to again hear a commentator scream “HOLY MACINAW” from the television three or more nights a week. I was wrong.

Streaming is now an option, and coupled with the pun-filled official commentary, you’ll hear endless griping about the speed of the Internet. Just hunker down people.

Go Leafs Go….I guess.

This story was first published in The Ryersonian, a weekly newspaper produced by the Ryerson School of Journalism, on October 2, 2013.

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