Evan Manning

Evan Manning, opinions editor
(Photo by Yvano Antonio)

I am the perfect boyfriend. I can say this with something almost close to confidence, I think… You’d have to ask my girlfriend for assurance though.

If you’re wondering how to be like me, a perfect significant other, I have an easy set of steps for you to abide by. Make yourself comfortable. I am here to take you down a path of enlightenment. I am here to make sure your boyfriend or girlfriend never complains about you ever. After reading this, your relationship will transform into the Obamas’ relationship, a symbol of what true love can blossom into when both sides are always respectful of one another.

First, don’t ever reveal any of your insecurities. Any self doubts you have, bottle them up. Any time you’re ever jealous, let it slide. If you ever feel like maybe your significant other is overshadowing you in some way, get past it. Push it under the rug like that pile of dog fur. At the same time though, don’t be passive-aggressive. Communicate in the clearest way possible. Oh, and try to avoid getting incensed over the little things. No tears, no displeasure.

There is no room for error when it comes to the amount of attention you show your significant other. Read them like a book. Study, then game plan. Sometimes you’ll need to give them a lot of love and attention, Care Bear style. Sometimes you need to lay off. Sometimes you need to be in-between. It’s simple, really. Oh, and you need some time to yourself? No. Are you crazy? That’s not an option in this perfect reality.

Still following? Ok. We’re almost there, just a couple more vital lessons.

You can’t be salty, ever. You can’t be dry. The best route to take would be the one that takes you down a road devoid of negative attitudes.

This next one is of utmost importance. Always realize that you’re wrong. Never be stubborn. Sorry is the greatest statement you can ever memorize. Sorry is your godsend.

Basically what I’m saying is, even though you’re still young, you can’t ever act childish. You can’t ever act your age. You can never act like a regular human being: full of emotion, passion and sometimes immoral, irrational behaviour. You can’t ever make mistakes. You have to be perfect. Because if you’re imperfect, that means you also aren’t the perfect significant other.

Or wait… maybe not being perfect is what makes you the best person for who you love…

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