School officials condemned the player’s violation of unwritten rules that were agreed upon ages ago
Disclaimer: This is a satirical story. All events and quotes are fictional.
A member of Ryerson University’s varsity baseball team was suspended indefinitely for stealing signs from various campus construction sites, the school announced on Monday.
The player hired several students to monitor various signs around campus, waiting for construction workers and school security to take lunch and coffee breaks. When the time came, they would give the all-clear to the player by banging on nearby trash cans around campus. He would then rush to take the sign from the nearest location.
The students who assisted the player in his sign-stealing have been put on probation but have not been suspended — at least, not yet.
“They didn’t start this, but none of them did anything about it,” school administration said in a statement. “All of them need to be held accountable for their actions.”
The story took a turn for the worse this weekend when school administration discovered that the player was not only stealing the signs, but was using technology to assist him.
Professors reported that the player would frequently wear buzzers on his chest during class to alert him when signs were left unattended.
The player, a fourth-year computer science student, used tracking cameras with facial recognition software to monitor campus signs. When no one was near the signs, his buzzer would vibrate, indicating to him that the coast was clear.
One varsity baseball player from a rival school said that stealing construction signs is not inherently bad, but the player’s use of technology was troubling.
“It’s one thing to steal signs, but if you’re using technology to do it, you’re just a cheater,” said the student, who also admitted to stealing signs in the past. The player requested to remain anonymous, in order to avoid a suspension of his own.
“Stealing signs gets school admin really riled up, you know? Like, god forbid the ‘campus makeover’ gets interrupted because there’s no sign that says to beware,” he said. “But once you’re wearing buzzers and stuff just to pull a prank, I think that’s a little excessive.”
Some people treat sign-stealing more seriously, even if it’s done without technology. According to sports media professor Alexis Woodridge, any kind of sign-stealing is a borderline criminal offence.
“I’d rather teach a student who was taking steroids than a student who’s stealing signs,” Woodridge said.
The school has not yet disclosed the length of the suspension, but given the severity of the matter, further sanctions may be in store for the player.
